


Taryon Darrington's Guide to (Fake) Dating Your Friends

by judypoovey



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Background Percy/Vex, Background Pike/Scanlan, Catfishing, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Friends With Benefits, Gen, M/M, Roommates, background Vax/Keyleth, one-sided Taryon/Percy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-06-02
Packaged: 2021-02-23 10:33:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 18,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23476840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/judypoovey/pseuds/judypoovey
Summary: In a new town, starting his new life, Taryon Darrington makes some friends for the first time ever.Of course, he lies and tells his family that he's dating Percy and things spiral out of control from there.
Relationships: Taryon Darrington & Percival "Percy" Fredrickstein Von Musel Klossowski de Rolo III, Taryon Darrington & Vex'ahlia, Taryon Darrington/Grog Strongjaw
Comments: 8
Kudos: 54





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i'm social distancing which means finishing CR1 and drinking my Loving Vox Machina juice. I just. Love Taryon so much. Anyway, here's a fic where he catfishes his family (I can't think of a better word for it) All the best Roommate and Fake Dating tropes will apply.
> 
> I really just wanted a ship that could exemplify [this](https://66.media.tumblr.com/b76d636763a6da3aa5921aeafc8fa7a2/f892e2ec027ef06a-74/s1280x1920/2ed7b16fcb9284617c6f5b63c071136b270952e0.jpg)

Taryon Darrington had done nothing wrong, ever, in his life. 

All he'd done was get kicked out of his father's alma mater for having an inappropriate relationship with a TA (who was, in his defense, only five years older than him, so it wasn't like  _ that bad _ , okay?), revealing to his father (and everyone else privy to the scandal which was a lot of people in Deastock, unfortunately) that he was gay, and then transferred to a lesser university where no one had ever heard the Darrington family name, with nothing but a vague ambition towards getting a job or internship or something -- he doesn't know how any of this works, truthfully.

But he could fake it, right?

He didn't know how convincingly he was faking it right now, being interviewed for a bedroom in a large house off-campus. It was cheaper than living on campus, what with required meal plans and parking and all the extra costs that came with dorm living. He had never realized how much everything cost. He was lucky that his mother had insisted on paying for his education even though he had been banished, but it was the bare minimum, and his father was still keen on never helping Tary with anything ever again until he magically became straight, which didn't seem likely.

The black haired girl holding a clipboard saw right through his bravado, he knew it. He didn't wilt, though. He didn't have to let  _ her  _ know he knew she knew he was a fake.

"I don't think any of the other people who responded to the ad brought us a resume," she said thoughtfully. 

"Is that not how it's done?" He thought he would need references or a credit check or something. He had heard his father talk about that when he was selling properties. 

"Have you ever lived on your own before --" She paused to read his name again. "Taryon?"

"I lived in a dorm at my old school," he said, bristling with indignation. He was an adult! Barely, but an adult!

She gave him a scrutinizing once over. "With a roommate?"

"Well, he moved out of our room halfway through the semester…" Because he'd gotten sick of Tary, but there was no need to bring that up, right? "Medical issues. But yes. With a roommate."

The white haired one adjusted his glasses, and  _ definitely  _ saw right through him. "We do have other people interested in the room. What do you bring to the table?" There were no tables in this house, he wasn't sure that turn of phrase was appropriate.

"I can pay six months' rent in full up front," he said. The semester started in a week, he  _ really _ needed the room. So maybe that would be every dime he'd gotten for his expenses, but he could manage. He could figure it out, he just needed a place for his stuff.

And the four gathered roommates seemed cooler than anyone he'd ever met, and maybe he kind of wanted to impress them. The two twins, boy and girl but functionally identical, wore all black and matching expressions of shrewd judgment. The tall redheaded girl didn't trust him, leaning over to Four Eyes to whisper. They seemed close.

Tary had never had friends anyone would look at and think 'oh they seem close', and while it didn't seem likely he would start now, he couldn't help but feel a little envious. He wanted into these people's lives. 

"I don't know," Redhead said.

"Six months up front, Kiki," Goth Boy said. "That's hard to turn your nose up at."

"It's good enough for me," Goth Girl said, putting down her clipboard authoritatively. "Welcome to Vox Machina's house." She reached out a hand, and he shook up. 

Well, that was a dumb name. 

"What are you, theater kids?" he asked, before he could stop himself. Oops.

Goth Girl raised an eyebrow, but walked away instead of saying anything in response. 

"What's your major, then, if you don't mind me asking?" White Hair asked.

"Literature. But if my father asks, business." He hadn't told anyone that he had switched majors when he'd transferred, and he wasn't going to until he graduated and wasn't financially dependent on Howaardt. 

White Hair snorted. "Just what we need, more daddy issues."

Tary blinked. He didn't know whether to be offended or not. He didn't have daddy issues, he just had a shitty dad. That was different. Wasn't it? 

Without elaborating, he gestured for Tary to follow him. "Let me show you to your room." White Hair led him up the stairs to a room in the farthest corner of the house. It was the size of his old closet at home, but it would do. It at least had a nice window overlooking the back yard, where a huge brown dog was playing with the Goth Twins. 

"The last occupant was much smaller than you, it was an easier fit." That wasn't an apology, it was just a fact. "You'll make do, I'm sure."

"What happened to the last occupant?" he asked.

"He exploded," White Hair deadpanned.

Tary guessed he wasn't going to get a straight answer.

The chore wheel had been amended by the next morning. Next to every chore was "TARY" in blocky black letters. Maybe they rotated on a weekly basis? He had never shared a house with someone he wasn't blood related to, and certainly never been obligated to clean his own things.

"You don't get a maid service or something?" he asked White Hair, who snorted in disbelief.

"We're college students." 

"Right. I'm aware. Could we --" 

"We do our own chores, Taryon."

"Apparently, I do them now," he said, pointing at the chore wheel. 

"I suppose in a way we do have a maid service, then." 

He walked away laughing, and Tary wondered how long it would take them to realize he'd never cleaned anything in his life. He was a clean  _ person _ , yes, as in a person with a skincare regime, who liked to keep her personal space tidy, but cleaning a house? He had never.

He didn't know if he wanted to do it badly so they didn't ask him to do it anymore, or try to do it well so that they didn't think he was stupid. 

"Doty, how does one sweep a floor?" he asked into his phone. The comforting robotic voice pulled up a WikiHow article, and Tary went to work. 

He was not getting off to a good start.

Speaking of getting off on the wrong foot, his meeting with the fifth roommate didn't go that well either. He had only heard a trace of the mysterious fifth roommate who lived above him in the attic bedroom. He sounded like an elephant bowling, and it was truly wreaking havoc on his sleeping schedule.

He had bags under his eyes.  _ Bags _ !

So he was a little tired and a little grouchy when he got up late one morning. He also had not yet bought himself a bed, so he was sleeping on piles of his own clothes, which felt sacrilegious, but better than the cold hardwood floors. 

He threw the bathroom door open without thinking to knock or even listen for signs of life, and was met with billowing steam and the silhouette of a gigantic person. Soon he was face to face with a very tall, very bearded, very  _ naked _ man. Of course he looked, he was only human. 

"Oh, you're the new guy," he said. "What the fuck are you doing in here?!" he roared half a second later, and Tary quickly slammed the door again, taking a deep breath. 

A few minutes later, Jumbo was at his bedroom door, in gym shorts and a towel around his shoulders. "Bathroom's open," he said.

"Right. Uh. Thanks," Tary said. "I'm Tary, Jumbo, nice to meet you." 

"Tary Jumbo? What kind of name is that?" 

"Oh, no, I was calling you Jumbo."

"Why? That's not my name." 

"You haven't told me your name," he pointed out. 

"Oh." With that, Jumbo walked off, and Tary was left wondering if he had just met someone profoundly stupid, or just deeply petty. 

"Also, I used all the hot water. Have fun, Tary Jumbo."

Petty, then.

For the first couple of weeks, he wouldn't say it was going particularly well at the Vox Machina house. White Hair was nice to him, and they seemed to be getting along, but the Goth Twins were suspicious, Antlers (so named because her favorite tank top featured a truly gigantic deer skull design) seemed to regard him as some type of interloper, and Jumbo hadn't forgiven him for accidentally seeing him naked. 

So he stayed in his room, which was just a small hoard of his possessions piled in comfortable patterns, as he hadn't been practical enough to buy a bed, and now pride dictated that no one know that he didn't have one. 

He also had terrible writer's block, his daily dictations to Doty being awkward and strange instead of creative and free-flowing as they usually were. When he opened up his laptop to look at his notes for the day, he couldn't use any of them, and slammed it shut in frustration, flopping back onto his laundry pile/nest with a groan.

The fantastical adventure he'd spent most of his youth writing had sputtered to a halt. It was a silly dream, to be a great fantasy writer, and yet it was the dream that Taryon had. Even as much as he enjoyed tinkering with computers and machines, it was still secondary to the Dream. 

And the Dream was a fucking nightmare right now. 

He could put it aside for a bit. He needed to adjust.

Maybe he needed some friends. He didn't even know how to make friends who weren't pretend. This was all incredibly confusing. 

He was walking towards the dining hall when a rainbow flag caught his eye. He turned to the sign on the door. The LGBT Student Resource Center? 

It could use a less boring name, he thought, even as he was possessed to open the door. Maybe his fellow LGBT+ students would accept him? And accept his rebranding suggestions?

What he found was a small waiting room, like the reception area of a doctor's office, with a small desk in the corner, manned by…

Goth Girl.

Tary froze. GG froze. He backed out of the room slowly, and decided he would just settle for a chicken sandwich today. Ingraining himself in a community was clearly not happening. He heard the door open and turned. GG walked up to him. 

"Hey, you didn't have to run away," she said. 

"Uhm, right. Well, I was just lost," he said, staring holes into his boat shoes. 

She clicked her tongue skeptically. "Look, I work at the center. I am not going to tell anyone if you need something from us." 

"I … don't. Really, it was just a whim. I'm not in crisis or anything." Just cripplingly lonely in a new place around people who wanted him to sweep their floors and didn't talk to him, right? "Look, Little Goth Girl, I don't want to make it weird. I'll move out tomorrow." 

"What? First, my name is Vex," she said, poking him. "And you don't need to move out. I won't out you to our roommates, but trust that they are just as likely to walk into that room as you are, if you get my meaning." 

Somehow he'd moved into a gay house by accident. His father would be thrilled. Now he  _ had _ to stay. "Okay. Vex. All right. Thank you." 

"Do you want to get lunch with me?" she asked. "I was just about to get off when you walked in." 

"Oh, well, I suppose so." Was this having a friend? Tary dared to hope so. 


	2. Chapter 2

While he (against better judgment) trusted Vex to be true to her word and not tell the others, they were suddenly much nicer to him after their lunch together. He was no longer the only name on the chore wheel; rather he occupied the spot of Bathroom Cleaner for the week. But that might have been them figuring out he didn't actually know how to do anything. How hard was it to scrub a toilet? (Really hard, he found out, and despite Jumbo's apparent lack of intelligence, he was completely immune to bribery.)

Goth Boy even invited him to come out for drinks with them on Friday, and he accepted. Apparently as a group they ritualistically went to the same bar, Gilmore's Glorious Goods, which was a funny name for a dive bar. It was nicer on the inside than the outside, and very liberally decorated in purple. 

"So, Percy tells us you have daddy issues," Goth Boy said as he set down the first round of drinks on the large booth that Antlers had referred to as 'theirs'. 

"Uh, I, uhm. I do have a daddy." He choked. "I mean. A  _ father _ . And we don't get along," he said, sipping his red wine and trying to escape this conversation through the floorboards. 

"We  _ all  _ have daddy issues, Tary, don't be shy," Vex chirped. The rest of them nodded in agreement, and he once again wondered what sort of people he'd gotten himself stuck with. 

Three glasses of wine in and Tary very much stopped being shy. He bemoaned his father, slouched over the table with his arm around Percy. "He thinks everything I do is stupid. I wanted to build computers and he thought it was stupid, and I wanted to write stories and he thought it was stupid! Drawing? Stupid. Photography? Stupid. He doesn't think I can handle the family business! I don't even  _ want _ to handle the family business!"

"My dad's a prick too, buddy," GB said, draping himself over them. "A rich asshole who left us to starve and fend for ourselves after our mum died and uses his money and our amazing little sister to try and drag us into the family now that we're grown."

"Why is it the rich ones who are always bad?" Tary yell-asked agreeably. "I'm rich, I don't want to be bad when I get old!"

A new girl bounded towards them, her white hair tied in two buns at the top of her head. She was short but ridiculously muscular. She slammed into Jumbo first, hugging his shoulders tightly. 

"Monstah!" 

"Pickle, how was your shift?" GB asked, patting her buns. 

"Brutal, I'm gonna go get a beer!" she chirped.

Tary sized up Jumbo as the girl bounced off. "Is that your girlfriend?" he asked innocently. 

It seemed like the air evaporated from the room as Jumbo gaped at him. 

He looked around, baffled. Antlers and GB were giggling, and Percy had his face in his hands. "What? I know you speak Common, don't look at me like that." 

"That's my sister, you freak," he said indignantly. 

He looked at the girl as she came back. "Sorry I didn't see the resemblance at first," he deadpanned. "I see it now." There was  _ no  _ resemblance, unless "good-looking and muscular" counted as resemblance. 

"You're the new roommate right?" she asked. 

He reached out to shake her hand, still a little baffled by the Sister comment. "Oh, yes. Taryon Darrington. Nice to meet you."

"I'm Pike! I live at the house too, I just work a lot," she said with a bright grin. She was almost infectiously sweet, and he couldn't help but smile in return. 

"Oh, that must be why I hadn't seen you."

She nodded. "Where are you from, Taryon?"

"Deastock. And you can call me Tary. My friends do."

Pike smiled. "Okay Tary. It's nice to meet you."

"What is it you do?"

"I'm an EMT," she said, finishing her comically large beer incredibly quickly. "Are you a student?"

"Yes." He got handed another drink, whiskey this time. Normally he favored wine, but he was drunk enough to accept anything right now. "I study medieval literature."

"Did you say you build computers?" Percy half-slurred as he looked over at him. "I'd like to see that."

"Oh, it's just a hobby, but I -- yes. I could show you." He was trying to keep his face from turning red. Percy was hot in the weirdest way, with the dramatic undercut and severe dark eyes. It was unfortunate that Tary had a type. 

"Percy likes to build things too," Vex said. "Don't you, darling?"

Tary couldn't figure out if they were a romantic thing or if Vex just called everyone darling. He hoped for the latter. Not that he would ever assume Percy would be interested in him, but a boy could dream, right? 

An hour later, it became clear that yes, Vex did call everyone 'darling', as she braided Tary's hair and called him 'darling' while he continued to bemoan his terrible life, skirting around the entire reason he was even in Emon, and enjoying the head rub. 

When he woke up the next morning, he rolled over to find half a dozen notifications on his phone. Trying to blink himself awake, he opened it up to see that apparently he had posted a bunch of photos of himself and the group drunk on his social media. They looked like they were having fun. The last picture in the string of ridiculous pictures was him and Percy, shoulder to shoulder and half-asleep at the table. 

He had a text from Maryanne. 

It was a screenshot of that picture and a question: _ "What is this, your new boyfriend?"  _

Tary realized he had a choice here. Clearly she was stalking his social media, which meant the little rat was probably telling their father everything he posted. Admit that he had made some real, actual friends, and keep the peace?

Or lie his ass off to make his life sound like it was going  _ extra  _ great? 

Tary sent her back one word. 

_ Yes!  _


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so obviously tary/lawrence is the ultimate endgame for tary but, do i think it's only fair for tary to bang or pretend to bang his way through all of VM first? uh, duh.

Tary opted not to tell anyone that he had told his sister he was dating Percy. It would never come up, right? It didn't matter. Whatever tiny, unfamiliar pangs he felt (guilt, maybe, as if he knew what that was) could be ignored.

So he was a little alarmed when his mother called him the very next day. "Hello, Mother," he said.

"How are you adjusting, sweetheart?" she asked.

"Just fine," he said, lounging on a garbage bag full of his own polo shirts. He was just fine. 

"Have you made any friends?" she asked in a leading way. Mariya Darrington was not a stupid woman, but she also wasn't just going to blurt out what she wanted to ask. Tary was used to it. Maryanne, that big mouthed rat, had told her.

"Yeah. My roommates are really nice."

"Your sister said something about you...dating...a boy," she said, tentative. Conversations about this kind of thing, in the Darrington household, were not done. So it was weird for the both of them. "I was just wondering…"

"I am," he said bluntly. He never wanted to be rude to his mother, but the fewer words he used, the fewer lies he was telling. Right? That's exactly how that worked, right? "He's very nice." That part was true!

"Oh, sweetie. Well. Your father will just...have to deal with it," she said, very much in the tone of someone who didn't think Howaardt was going to deal with it at all. 

Vex opened his bedroom door. "Tary do you want -- oh, sorry." 

"It's fine," he mouthed. "Mum, I have to go. I'm going to get lunch with my friends," he said, strongly emphasizing the word 'friends'. He had friends, for once in his life. Or at least two friends, Percy and Goth Girl. "I love you, I'll talk to you again soon."

Hanging up the phone, he noticed Vex staring. 

"What?"

"You live like this?" she asked. 

"I just hadn't gotten around to buying any furniture…" he said lamely.

"Well then, we have an activity for the day," she said brightly. "We'll walk Trinket and then go find you a bed." 

"I -- " He paused. It was Saturday and he didn't have anything to do, anyway. "All right." 

Walking Trinket was a little bit of an ordeal, he was the size of a small bear and liked to smell flowers, so it always took twice as long as it should. Eventually they were able to get him back inside, with promises of carrots later, and Vex drove them into town.

Vex didn't like the prices at the first place, the quality at the second place, and the salesman at the third place looked at her boobs for too long, so they were finally at the fourth (and hopefully final) stop on their furniture buying quest. 

"I just realized you're not wearing all black today," he said as they ate chicken nuggets in Vex's car before they went inside.

"I don't wear black all the time, I'm not  _ Vax _ ."

"Who's Vax?" 

"Uh, my brother? Looks a bit like me? Bout this tall?" she said, gesturing just a bit shorter than herself. 

"Oh, right. I haven't quite gotten everyone's names down yet." 

"Tary, it's been a month." 

Tary shrugged. "I just don't learn people's names. Mostly because no one ever wants to hang out with me anyway. So I just give everyone I meet nicknames. But if you don't wear black, I can't call you Goth Girl." 

"Goth is a state of mind, darling," she said with a wink.

He let her pick out his bed, because she seemed insistent she could get the best deal possible. It was amusing to watch her yammer at the salesmen about interest rates and monthly payments. She had picked out a set; a full sized bed that came with a side table and a small dresser.

"Does the deal change if I pay for it in full?" Taryon asked, checking the balance on the credit card Mariya had given him before he left home. 

Vex turned to the salesman. "You heard him. Cut us a deal?" 

In the end, they got the whole set and saved a hundred bucks (plus not having to pay the interest rate on their in-house financing, which was terrible), which Vex seemed tickled about. It was a tight squeeze to get all of the boxes into Vex's station wagon, but they managed. 

He should tell her what he told Maryanne about Percy, he thought idly as she chattered about financing and loan options. He had learned, albeit somewhat recently, that she was studying Accounting. So she loved to talk about money. 

Probably because she grew up not having any. 

So he was content to listen to her talk and bask in their friendship and not make it weird by admitting he lied to his sister about dating their roommate who she clearly had the hots for.

Maryanne, of course, couldn't just leave things well enough alone. She wanted updates, she was suspicious of his silence on the subject. She knew that Taryon, really truly dating someone, would be talking about it endlessly. That was what had ruined having an inappropriate relationship for him in the first place! He wanted to brag and show off! 

So he did what any normal sane person would do. He blocked Vox Machina on Twitter and started taking a lot of selfies with everyone so he could make up stories about his fake relationship without them seeing it. 

He didn't publically say anything that wasn't  _ true _ , he just left it vague and leading enough that someone who was looking for it would assume that it was there. If there was a dumb picture of him kissing Percy on the side of the head as his header, it was because they had made jungle juice (which he had learned was Everclear and Kool Aid) and he had kissed everyone's head last Friday.

It was all PR. It was all image cultivation. Perfectly not insane or creepy. He was lying to his sister and being cryptic on Twitter, which seemed like something  _ every  _ 21 year old did!

"A 3D printer?" he said, as he dug through Percy's piles of machines and half-broken toys in the backyard shed. 

"Yes, I built it myself. I like manufacturing." 

"Fascinating," he said.

They had bonded over their love of machines and tinkering. Percy had been quite impressed at the scope of Doty. 

Doty was a computer program and operating system that Taryon had cobbled together. It functioned for dictation and running all of Tary's stuff and saving all of his data. It didn't talk, like some kind of smartphone assistant, but it offered better suggestions and ran better programs, thank you very much. 

Tary, in equal turn, was impressed by the innovative little designs that he came up with. He studied structural engineering, so his room and workshop were awash in blueprints and abandoned designs. A blueprint for a clocktower was lovingly hung on the wall in the common area. The rest were just sort of scattered about. 

So they plugged Doty into the 3D printer and printed some silly things; a new succulent planter for Antlers, a hair clip for Vex.

"Percy, I think I should --" he started, guilt finally getting to him. Percy would go along with the lie, right? That's what friends did, wasn't it? Fake date their friends to get back at homophobic relatives? 

Antlers poked her head in. She seemed to be particularly wounded by Tary and Percy's friendship; she and Percy were best friends and maybe she was a little jealous. "We're ordering pizza," she said. "I hope I'm not interrupting…" she added, a little sour.

"Oh, no, you're fine," Percy said.

Tary held out the little planter to her. "I made you this for your cacti," he said, seizing the distraction to abandon his confession. It was weird, and they would all hate him if they found out. He just needed to keep it up for another week or so and then fake a dramatic breakup for Maryanne's benefit, all right? 

Or maybe Percy would find out and they could get together for real?

Unlikely.

He could get out of this. 

"Tary, what were you going to tell me?" Percy asked as they followed Keyleth at a slight distance.

Curse his beautiful brain for not immediately forgetting he'd said anything!

"Uh. Hm. Vex has a crush on you!" he blurted out, jogging to catch up to Antlers and avoid continuing that statement. It was true, though she hadn't said as much. He wasn't blind.

He might not be blind, but he was an idiot, because telling the guy you fancy that someone else likes them…

He was  _ never  _ going to get this right. 

  
  


Four days had passed and he had not yet built his new bedroom furniture. He and Vex had decided to get pedicures after they'd bought it, and the nail salon's mimosa policy had left them in no condition to build a bed. Then he just hadn't wanted to.

So he stared at it one day. Most everyone else was in class or at work, and he was there alone, thinking about his bed. 

Jumbo saw him. "It doesn't build itself," he said unhelpfully. 

"I'm aware."

"Do you need...help?" 

He did need help. "No. I can definitely do it," he said. 

Jumbo pushed past him into the room anyway. "Let's get this over with. You can't sleep on a pile of dirty laundry, it's bad for your spine." 

That was the smartest thing he'd ever heard Jumbo say. "My spine, really?" 

"What?"

"The man I saw try to put milk and cereal into a colander is going to lecture me about the health of my spine?" he asked, even though his back did really ache. 

"I'm a personal trainer," he said, offended. "I know stuff about how body's work." 

"So that's why you're always so sweaty," he said.

"I'm sweaty from nailing your sister," Jumbo muttered in an ill-tempered voice as he opened the box that contained Tary's bed frame. 

"My sister is 17!"

"Then your mum is what I meant to say," he said, sheepish. "I didn't even know you had a sister."

"Well, I do. Maryanne."

He snorted. "Taryon and Maryanne?"

"I do not have creative parents. You can't complain you didn't know I had a sister, I don't even know your name."

"You never asked."

He maybe had a point there. "Well, what is it?" 

"Grog."

"Greg? Are you saying Greg?"

Jumbo rolled his eyes. "Grog. G-O-R-G. Wait. G-R-O-G."

"I can see why you're a personal trainer and not a scholar," he shot back, catching the bag of screws that was tossed at his face. "Also, Pike and Grog isn't that much better than Taryon and Maryanne." 

"Yeah well, I'm adopted, so we weren't named by the same people. Do you want my fuckin' help or not?"

Tary snapped his fingers. "I knew you didn't look alike," he said as he pushed his polo-nest out of the way, clearing space for where the bed would go. They built the first part of the bedroom set in relative silence after that. "I suppose you can help me. I don't need it, but sure."

Several minutes of unboxing and arranging happened in silence. Taryon had never needed help building something before, but he had to say that this cheap factory made bed frame was causing him a little bit of vexation. It was very rigid, no room for flourish. Maybe that was why it was weird. 

"No, it goes into F7!" he protested, getting jabbed in the ribs by the side boards before they were properly connected to the headboard. 

"Oops," Grog said, with the tone of someone who definitely had done that on purpose. 

Taryon glared, but was wise enough to not talk back to a man holding an entire bed.

"So what happened to the person who stayed in this room before me?" he asked innocently as they heaved the mattress onto the finished bed. It wasn't much, but it was better than sleeping in a pile of laundry. He flopped down on the new bed appreciatively, watching Grog pick up the box containing the little side table with one hand and examine the picture.

"Oh, he found out he had a daughter he had to take custody of and needed a bigger place," he said, as if that were very normal and casual for a house full of people in their, Tary assumed, early twenties. "He's a couple years older than us so it's not like weird-weird." 

Tary nodded. "Oh. Was he...your friend?" 

"He's my best friend in the whole world other than Pike," he said. "It sucks I don't see him as much now. I was mad for a bit, but it's fine. He's playing a show on Saturday night, if you want to come."

"He's a musician…?" 

"Yeah."

"He supports a  _ child  _ on the money he makes from being a musician?" 

"Don't sound so shocked, or I'll uninvite you!" Grog groused. "Are you gonna help me finish or not?" 

Tary noticed he was already halfway through building the table. "You seem to be used to finishing by yourself, Jumbo." 

Grog blinked as Tary rolled over with laughter. "You shouldn't laugh at your own jokes," he said, shaking his head. "It ruins them." 

Tary got off the bed and sat down on the floor to help finish the dresser once he had recovered from his chuckle. 

"Doty, take this down…" he said. He did have to keep track of all of his best witticisms, after all.

After another hour of bickering and several lost screws, Tary's bedroom was complete. Grog surveyed his good work from the center of the room while Tary started trying to organize his things. He still had too much stuff for the size of the room, but this was better. He had somewhere to stack his books, at least. 

"You were a big help, Jumbo," he said by way of thanks, patting him on the bicep. 


	4. Chapter 4

Tary had actually forgotten that Jumbo had invited him to go see their musician friend until Saturday rolled around and he saw Vex fussing with her lipstick on the couch. 

"Where are you going?" 

"We're going to go see Scanlan play, darling, remember?" she said, looking Tary over. "You haven't even fluffed your mustache, how are you going to go out in public like that?" 

"I forgot," he said, palm to his forehead. "Oh, don't tell Jumbo I forgot." He still couldn't tell if the big guy was picking on him in a mean way or a friendly way, and he didn't want him to have any additional reasons to dislike Tary, other than just his face, boat shoes, polo shirts and personality. 

"Your secret is safe with me. We're leaving in half an hour, go get ready!" 

To an average observer, Tary was already fully dressed except for his shoes, but Vex knew that he needed to wax his mustache and brush his hair and put on moisturizer before he could ever even consider being seen in public. 

So he rushed to the bathroom, opening the door once again without knocking or caring a bit to check for signs of life. The shower was running. 

"Short Stuff or Big Guy?" 

"Short Stuff," came the voice that was so very clearly Big Guy. 

Tary walked over to the mirror, pulling out the drawer that he had commandeered for his grooming products. 

"Are you still in here, Tary Jumbo?" he asked as the water turned off. 

Tary, running a shine serum through his hair, didn't answer immediately. The shower curtain peaked open a little. 

"Goddammit,  _ get out _ ," he grumbled.

"I've already seen all of the goods, Grog. I'm not even paying attention," he said, rubbing on his moisturizing toner.

Stepping out of the shower, Grog took his petty, petty time getting his towel, standing directly behind Tary so he was in the mirror while Tary fixed his facial hair. If he was going to be ridiculous, so was Tary, so both of them slowed their movements to a crawl.

"Are you guys ready?!" Vex shouted up the stairs. 

They left the bathroom at the same time, though Grog was still naked, and Tary's hair had lost some of its fluff from the steam, and Vex was standing there with her arms crossed, shaking her head. 

"What in the fuck?" 

"Jumbo was taking too long in the shower, all right." 

He stomped down the stairs, trying to erase the sustained, burned-in image of Naked Jumbo from his mind for the evening. It's not that everything there wasn't good, it was just that he had never been a fan of tattoos and scars and gigantic muscles.  _ Not  _ his thing. 

Grog caught up to them, clothed in this usual attire of sweat pants and a sleeveless shirt. He seemed to have a strong aversion to real pants. And sleeves. There was probably a story to that, but he wasn't in the mood to ask. 

The club that they went to was actually really nice, the kind of place Taryon might have considered going into even before he met Vox Machina. Not that he'd ever gone to any clubs or bars before he met Vox Machina. He had mostly been content to just read until his life had been upended. It was what it was. 

He did see the enjoyment in going places with friends, though. People who wanted him around (and Jumbo, who the jury was still out on), having fun and sharing time with him. He bought the first round of drinks while the half-full bar buzzed excitedly before the set started. 

"I've never been to a concert," he said. "Unless the opera counts? Oh, and the orchestra came to Deastock frequently. Mother really enjoyed the orchestra." 

"Not quite the same as this, but you've got the idea," Vex said, patting his arm. 

She looked very nice, with blue feathers braided into part of her hair, and a matching blue shirt. Really most of them were dressed in dark clothes, and he felt like his aggressively salmon shorts and blue-and-pink salmon (the fish, not the color!) patterned button up made him stand out in an odd way. 

"Am I allowed in here even if I don't own any black clothes?" he asked innocently. 

"Don't be silly, they'll wait til the show's over to shoot you," Vax said in a deadpan voice, his arm over Antlers' shoulders. She was wearing green and orange, but they were still dark green and burnt orange. 

When their friend the musician came out in purple, he felt less odd. He played the acoustic guitar and that lent a sort of gravitas to his performing, even though Tary noticed his lyrics were raucous and witty. He was chuckling along. It was very literary! How delightful.

When their singer friend took a break and came over, Tary bought another round of drinks so he could offer him one. 

"You're very talented," he said, before he realized he had never introduced himself to this complete stranger. "Taryon Darrington, I sleep in your old room."

"Scanlan Shorthalt," he said, blinking as he took the drink thrusted into his hands.

Up close, Taryon recognized the shorter man. "You performed at my sister's twelfth birthday party!" he said. "I don't know what you did but my father had to buy a new bed and hire a new cook afterward," he added.

Grog burst into laughter. 

Scanlan grimace-smiled. "That sounds about right," he said. "Thanks for the drink!" He then turned to sling an arm across Pike's shoulder, and she leaned her head against his.  _ Oh _ .

Was everyone in this house boning everyone else in this house? How did he get in on that?

Well. Besides lying about dating them and hoping it magically came true.

He got himself another drink as the rest of Vox Machina distracted themselves with Scanlan. 

Tary thought about confessing, but the drunker he got, the more his brain invented terrifying scenarios where they decided they hated him and kicked him out, like Howaardt had.

He might have some daddy issues after all.

"I feel like you're getting a little dour, darling," Vex said, rubbing his shoulders. She leaned in and snapped a picture of Tary's face, and he was alarmed at how grumpy he looked.

He adjusted his mustache and forced a smile. "I'm just wondering how Jumbo walks," he jokes brightly.

She cackled. "He's very comfortable with nudity. He's earned it, I suppose."

"So has everyone in the house...I mean…" He gestured to Antlers and Vix. Vox? Vax? Goth Boy! "Like that?"

"Oh, darling, no. Just them."

"What about Short Stack and the musician?"

Vex frowned. "If Pike isn't telling us something I'll kill her."

"Forget I mentioned it. Don't want that blood on my hands," he said, holding the aforementioned hands up in a gesture of innocence. Vex was eyeing her short friend skeptically where she sat at Grog's right hand, eyes on the stage. 

"Really it took long enough. They've been dancing around that for ages," she said. 

"Speaking of dancing around it," he said, keenly aware of how her eyes darted over to Percy. "I must ask. What is Antlers' name? She doesn't like me very much, so I have not learned it. I wanna say it's...Kiko…?"

"...Taryon, what's my name?" she asked, arching an elegant eyebrow at him. 

"Of course I know your name. You're Vix," he jested. "Or Vox?"

"No, that one is Vox," she said, pointing to her brother, then she pivoted. "What about  _ his  _ name?" 

"Oh, you mean Percival Fredrickstein von Mussel Klossowski de Rolo III?" he said innocently. 

Vex choked on her drink with laughter at his smug countenance. "And him?"

"I'm gonna say that's Greg." 

"Antlers' name is Keyleth," she said gregariously. "And she  _ does  _ like you. She's just socially awkward." 

"Aren't we all?" he joked.

Vex nodded over the rim of her drink, and they turned back to watching the performance, and they'd missed something, because it had devolved into lewd pantomimes and he had produced a puppet at some point. 

He woke up with the cottony head of a hangover, and three text messages from Maryanne. 

One was a screenshot: 

_ Percival Fredrickstein von Mussel Klossowski de Rolo III is in a relationship with Vex'ahlia Vesser.  _ Even one of the photos he'd taken of them was included; them sitting together at the table looking posh and cool, but covered in purple glitter.

The next two were:

_ WTF?!?!!?  
_ _ WHAT HAPPENED? _

Dehydrated and cranky, Taryon could only lament that of course  _ now  _ Maryanne chose to care about him and his personal goings on. 


	5. Chapter 5

Tary had to think fast (several hours later, eating bacon that had been left out from someone's breakfast or perhaps their dinner the night before. Always hard to say) on what to tell Maryanne about Percy. 

He had several concerns, mostly centered on the fact that she had been able to find Percy when his profile used his ridiculously impossible name that he'd never even told her. Secondly, how to frame this in a way that didn't make him look pathetic.

His procrastination proved to save him, as it often did. 

_ He cheated on you didn't he? That makes sense, since you're probably a total disappointment in the sack. _

His loving, lovely sister.

_ He did. I don't think I'm ready to talk about it.  _

He didn't pay attention to her response, just spent his Sunday morning puttering around. Now would be a fine, funny time to tell them what had happened, right? 

When Vex and Percy came out of Percy's room, Vex wearing an oversized white button-up shirt, he decided that now wasn't the time at all. It could just die, right? It would never come up again. 

"Tary, are you okay?" Vex asked, innocently. "You broke your bacon." 

Tary looked down and saw that he had indeed broken the piece of bacon in his grasp, crumbs dropping onto his shirt. Unthinking, he brushed them onto the floor. Trinket barrelled up and devoured them before he could even tell him no.

Vex laughed. "We're taking Trinket to the p-a-r-k. Wanna come?" 

Trinket tilted his head at Tary, as if to ask; 'yeah, wanna come?'. He was too tired and headachey to think about being in the sunlight, surrounded by barking dogs. 

"Nah, I might...go to the gym...later," he said, wincing at the lie. He was in relatively fit shape, but that was more genetic luck than any desire to go to the gym. 

"Oh, all right. Trinket, let's go get ready! Wanna go see Cookie and Waffle? Liam Las Vegas? Peddy Tuxpin?" With every familiar name, Trinket's giant whip-like tail swung harder and harder into Tary's ribs. He was oblivious to Tary's pain, but most people were.

"Who names these dogs!?" Tary protests. "And how does your dog have more friends than I do?" 

"Well, he's house-broken," Percy said in a droll voice, and he didn't even have a moment to respond before he walked away to get Trinket's harness while Vex scrounged up a pair of pants. They left and Tary finished his coffee, popped a few aspirin, and considered whether he'd been awake long enough to justify a nap. 

Probably not. 

He sat outside in the backyard, dictating the newest ideas for his book to Doty. He was thinking of adding in a handsome tinkerer character. A man making gadgets who sweeps in and helps the heroic Daryn on his quest. And maybe a beautiful dark-haired lady who becomes Daryn's closest confidant. 

"What's up, nerd?" Keyleth asked from where she apparently had been in a tree listening to him. 

"Kiko!" he yelped. "How long have you been up there?"

"Sometimes I sleep up here," she said, hanging upside down from the branch to look at him with a cat-like grin. "I can climb onto this branch from Grog's window." 

"Oh. Well. Uhm. Do you like my book?" 

"I think so? I don't really know what it's about."

"Well, it's about an intrepid young lad named Daryn Tarrindon who abandons his safe, cloistered life of privilege to go on a grand adventure to clear his family's name after a terrible misdeed."

"What kind of misdeed?"

"Well, I haven't gotten to the specifics," he lied. "This is just the first-teenth draft." 

"What was that?" Kiko asked, jumping down gracefully and sitting cross-legged beside him. "First-teenth?" 

"I've been writing it since I was a kid," he muttered confessionally. "My father discouraged it, but I really...I just want to tell stories," he said. "And I've had terrible writer's block since I… moved to Emon." 

Why had he still not admitted to them the truth? He trusted them, they were his friends. He still couldn't say it, though. It was so embarrassing, the whole ordeal. 

"Well. Hm. I like to draw," she said. "And sometimes I go through spells where I can't do it. I think it's normal. Like, flowers don't bloom all year 'round, right? Can't be creative all the time, you might just need time to photosynthesize." 

Taryon looked down at Kiko and forced himself to smile. "You're very wise, Kiko."

"My name is Keyleth." 

"I know, but I think I prefer Kiko. It suits you." 

She pursed her lips. She did not prefer Kiko.

"I can see why you're the leader of Vox Machina," he added, and her countenance immediately brightened. "I do think I need a break from forcing creative endeavors on myself." 

"I AM a leader," she said, standing up and dragging him out of his chair, slinging a long arm over his shoulders. "Also, I don't think falling in love with the tinkerer is right for Daryn. The chemistry isn't there," she said. 

Did she realize that Daryn was just Tary? She was a very keen mind, and he worried that he had just inadvertently come out to his roommate before he was strictly ready. 

She didn't say anything leading about it, if she'd figured out the parallels. "I don't think Daryn  _ needs _ a love interest. Certainly he shouldn't force it."

"Certainly," he said awkwardly. He had completely lost the thread. Was she talking about his book or Percy or both or neither?

When they walked inside, Vax was doing dishes, his chore of the week. Keyleth joined him, and Taryon went upstairs and changed into something ostensibly meant to be gym clothes. It was unlikely he'd go to the gym, but he might take a stroll around campus and make it seem like he had.

He was already breathing heavily by the time he got to the end of their street. One right turn and he was on campus, still about half a mile walk from the gym. He had been there once all semester, for a yoga class with Vex that she still hounded him about attending again, even though it cut into his precious sleep. 

Someone honked at him, which was totally uncalled for. He wasn't even in the road this time! Unless he was finally being catcalled? Gender equality, even in these dark times.

They honked again, and he finally looked back, and saw Grog and his massive, ancient truck slowing down just behind him. 

"Where are you going?"

"To the gym," he lied.

"Me too. Want a ride?" 

He could confess to the fact that he truly had no intention of the gym, or he could just accept the ride and fake an injury early into the session so he could escape. 

"All right," he said, getting in the truck and barely getting the door shut before Grog peeled off. "Are you going to work?" 

"Just a workout for me today," he said. Grog worked a lot, apparently spending every schedulable moment of time teaching classes or doing personal training sessions with some of the more affluent student athletes. 

"Oh, well, I won't disturb you." 

"Oh no, I wanna see how you work out," he said. "I bet it's hilarious." 

When they got into the gym, it became clear just how unevenly matched they were. Grog's version of a warmup was Taryon's version of an entire workout. And he wasn't in the worst shape. Maybe he had an extra cookie here and there, but he did a decent job keeping his figure. 

He tried to hide how winded he was after Grog's version of "light cardio", spotting him at the weight rack and covertly turning away to gasp and hack. 

"You gotta keep up, Tary Jumbo," Grog teased. "I heard Keyleth tell Vax you had writer's block or somethin'," he added in a more considerate tone. "When I'm having trouble thinking of stuff, working out helps." 

"You're…" He gasped through his reps on the bar. "Trying to  _ help  _ me?" He had been working under the assumption that Jumbo hated him, and he was doing something nice? 

"Uh, duh. Why else would I be holding back so much?" 

"You're holding back!?" he yelped, very nearly decapitating himself with the bar when it slipped out of his grip. 

He took several long seconds to stop laughing. "I think you need to start coming to work out with me privately, Tary. I'll even give you a discount off my usual rate," he said in a knowing voice. 

"Ugh. Did Vex put you up to this?" 

"Maybe. You'll never win a fight with these little noodle arms," he said, lifting Tary off of his feet to demonstrate how slight he was.

"Well that's what you're here for, right? To protect me?" he joked bravely. "So I don't have to fight my own battles?" 

Grog narrowed his eyes. "Don't get any funny ideas, Tary. You gotta take care of yourself. I'm just trying to prepare you for the real world."

"You don't have to give me your client speech, I'm going to hire you. I don't even want the discount." 

His sigh was a relieved one. "Oh good, I don't think I can actually give you a discount anyway, you already get one for being a student." He paused. "The speech usually works, though. I'm  _ great _ at speeches. Plus all the people I train are just girls trying to get back at their exes by getting hotter. And jocks. They love a good speech."

Taryon waved a dismissive hand, his brain forming an idea he would have to workshop when he got home and had brain function. When he tried to take a step, he promptly fell over, unable to maintain his leg strength any longer. Grog picked him up in a fireman's carry, and dumped him into the sauna to recover. 

He dragged himself out half an hour later when Grog announced it was time to leave. He smelled terrible and his hair was ruined, but he was ready for the nap he had earned (a continuation of the one he'd had in the sauna). 

"Carry me to the truck," he demanded dramatically. 

Grog thought about it for a moment. "No. I do one carry a day and you got it earlier."

"I'll pay you fifty dollars."

"Fine, jump on," Grog said, kneeling down. Tary climbed on his back and wrapped his arms around Grog's immense shoulders, feeling strangely safe. "God, you are so wet." He paused. "Hahaha, so was your mom last night." 

"What?" 

"Because I was having sex with her?" he explained questioningly. 

"Why would she be wet?" 

"'Cause that's how it works, Tary, duh," he said. "Do you not know how sex works?"

Tary hummed, trying not to give himself away. Wet? That sounded weird. "Uh, of course I do Grog. I'm quote experienced. With the ladies. They're  _ scrambling  _ to get a piece of me."

" _ Sure _ ."

He yelped when Grog dumped him unceremoniously into the bed of his truck, where he laid limply for the entire drive home. The rushing wind was comfortable and cool against his sweaty skin, and he was actually enjoying riding in the bed of a truck like some sort of barefoot redneck child. 

"Do you always sound like a dying llama when you're startled?" Grog asked when he parked.

"Is that what I sound like?" he asked, shocked.

Grog imitated a noise that was definitely a dying llama and  _ not _ Tary, and he was appalled.

"That is  _ not  _ what I sound like!" he protested. 

"It is." 

"Is not."

"Absolutely is." 

"Absolutely is not." 

Grog glared. "Don't Tary sound like a dying llama when he gets startled?" he asked Vax, who was drinking a beer on the porch. 

"Oh. Uh. He totally does, bud." 

Tary was too tired to feel betrayed, instead going inside and planning his story to his sister. He was going to make himself look less pathetic. That was all. Not perpetuate the lie about dating Percy any longer, just make himself not look like the kind of guy who got dumped for a busty goth girl and just  _ accepted _ it. 

Studying the best angle in the full length door mirror in the bathroom, he tousled his hair. There. He took a post-workout selfie, posting it for all of his loyal followers (he was something of an influencer. He certainly hadn't  _ bought _ any followers), and then showering off and joining the now-gathered Vox Machina on the porch. Keyleth was grilling veggie burgers, and Vax was passing out beers. They were happy, and the autumn air was temperate. It was a nice night, he reflected, as his scheme formed.

He was getting hot for revenge on his philandering ex, Tary told himself. His  _ imaginary  _ philandering ex, yes, but his sister would appreciate the drama. So when he planted himself in Vax's lap for a blurry selfie, he waited until everyone was properly tipsy to send it to Maryanne, so they wouldn't notice.

_ Got revenge on the girl who stole my man, hooked up with her brother!  _

Tary realized as soon as he hit send that he was perhaps losing control of this story. 

Too late now. 


	6. Chapter 6

Nothing would come of it, of course. That's what he told himself. Maryanne reacted with several clapping emojis, and that was the end of the saga. 

He had met a nice boy at college who he had dated for a month or two (he needed to check his date stamps) and that nice boy had left him for their roommate, and he had avenged himself by going to the gym and banging her brother.

It was all very neatly tied up. No harm, no foul. 

His bi-weekly gym sessions  _ were _ starting to harm him, if he was being honest, but Grog insisted on making them happen. Sometimes Vex even came to make sure he didn't escape, and force him to do yoga before, as if two workouts would make it  _ easier _ !

"My mom is calling me," he said, holding up his hand just as Grog launched a kickball directly at his face. He couldn't even dodge it, he just grimaced and took the hit before he answered. "Mama! How are you?" 

"Tary, sweetheart. I'm doing well, it's so nice to hear your voice!" 

"I'm sorry I haven't called sooner, it's been such a busy semester," he lied. His classes were laughably easy.

"Well, about that. I know you're probably so busy with exams coming up soon and everything, but your sister has a hockey tournament match and it's in Emon! We're coming to visit!" she said, sounding elated.

Tary wished he could muster that enthusiasm. His grin dropped off. "Oh! Well. It will be wonderful to see you. Will Father be coming?" he asked.

"No, he has some things to take care of at home. It's just Maryanne and I. I hope that's all right."

Relief washed over him. "Better than all right. I'll show you all the best places to eat," he said. Not that he actually knew anything about Emon, even after having been there for three months, but he knew Vex could give him all the right recommendations. 

"Maryanne is so excited to meet your roommates," Mariya concluded. "We'll be there Thursday through Saturday of next week." 

Taryon nodded. "I'm happy for you to meet my friends," he said. 

"Tary, you're not paying me for phone time," Grog said impatiently, tapping his wrist where a watch would have been if Grog knew how to tell time.

"Mama, I have to go. I'm at the gym." He hurriedly hung up and picked the ball up from where it was abandoned at his feet, attempting to throw it back at Grog's face. Of course, Jumbo caught it easily.

"My mother is coming to visit," he said, excited at first, even as Grog made his requisite "banging your mum" joke. No lewd humor could spoil his love and excitement for his mother. 

It didn't hit him until he got home that his lie would be exposed if his Mum and Maryanne met his roommates. 

Now Tary had two options: let his mum and sister politely and awkwardly believe he's living with his ex and the interloper who stole his ex from him.  _ Or  _ keep his family away from the house entirely, despite having claimed to be excited for them to meet his roommates. Maybe they could all conveniently have food poisoning! 

No, he was wrong. There was a third option. It was the worst option, though. 

"Doty, take this down. This is the last will and testament of I, Taryon Gary Darrington. Being of sound mind…" He rattled off his will, giving his things to Percy and Vex and his trust fund to anyone but Howaardt.

Then he went downstairs where Vox Machina was having dinner.

"My friends, I have an announcement," he said loudly, in what he hoped was a very confident, authoritative voice.

"That your mum and sister are visiting? Grog already told us," Keyleth said through a mouth full of mashed potatoes. 

"Uh, no. It's a little more important than that," he said, wilting slightly.

"That you're gay?" Grog asked.

"Well, that's not what I was going to announce," he said.

"But you are, right?" 

"Uh, yes?" he said. Since he was thoroughly ruining his life, he may as well just go for the whole enchilada, so to speak. 

"Vax, pay up." 

Vax slipped Grog five dollars. 

"You bet on whether or not I was gay?" he asked, too confused to be hurt.

"My money was on bi," Vax said. "And I was gonna use that five dollars to buy you a cupcake to make up for how shady that was, cause I felt guilty. But also wanted five dollars.." 

Taryon sighed, trying to hide his frustration. "Look! My mother and sister are visiting and I lied and told my sister that I was dating Percy," he blurted out. "She told my whole family." 

Percy looked politely bemused. "What?  _ Why _ ?" 

"I posted some pictures of all of us hanging out on my Twitter, and my sister wrongfully assumed we were a couple and I thought it would make me sound cooler to say we were. I kept it up for a while because it made my father angry, and then when you got together with Vex, she apparently was stalking your social media and found out and I had to lie and tell her you cheated on me." 

"Why couldn't we have broken up amicably?" Percy demanded.

"You told me you  _ deleted  _ your Twitter!" Keyleth protested. 

"I blocked all of you, I'm sorry, I'll unblock you."

Percy was keen as ever. "So for the weekend they're here, we have to act like scorned lovers?" 

"It does get worse," he said. "You "cheated" on me with Vex so I told her that I got "revenge" on Vex by sleeping with Vax…" He bit his lip, looking around at the appalled faces of his friends. Former friends? As if they wanted anything to do with him now. 

"I can't believe you did this," Vex said.

Oh, even Vex? He thought maybe she'd at least still love him. He couldn't read their expressions, mostly because he was focused on his own shoes instead of their faces, really. 

She threw up her hands in frustration. "Why wouldn't you tell us?! We could have had so  _ much  _ fun with this!" 

Wait. What? "You're not mad?" he asked.

"Pissing off inadequate fathers is a Vox Machina tradition," Vax said wisely, once he'd recovered from his laughter. "We could have really hammed it up if you had let us in on this little story before it was over." 

Tary was stunned. He had been  _ right  _ to suspect that the group would have had fun with this lie, and his anxiety had lied to him! Why would his brain do that? They could have been group-bonding this whole time! "Well, you could act very broken up about me not wanting a relationship. Perhaps my strong and masculine lovemaking ruined all others for you?"

"We do want to keep it believable, Tary," Vax cautioned. "I take it dear old dad has some issues with the whole gay thing?"

"Oh, so many issues. I got caught dating a TA at my other university and he kicked me out and sent me here," he said. "My mother is paying for my education against his wishes. Lawrence was kicked out, and I haven't heard from him since."

"Which is appropriate because TAs shouldn't sleep with students," Vex pointed out.

Tary waved her off, having heard the lecture before, and knowing rationally it was true, and that they should have waited until he was no longer in Lawrence's class to pursue a friendship, but he was not  _ always  _ a brilliant genius, all right? Sometimes he was tempted by beautiful men with taste and class and he lost all sense of himself. 

"He was more mad about the man thing than the ethics violation." 

"Our father abandoned us because he accidentally knocked up our mother as a teenager and didn't bother trying to be in our lives until she tragically died in a fire and our stepmother wanted us in her life," Vax said, as if he were very numb to this avalanche of childhood trauma. 

"Most of my family was killed by an  _ actual  _ serial killer," Percy agreed.

Tary blinked. Why had he never heard any of this before? Why had he never asked? Why did he not ask people about themselves more? 

"My mother drowned," Keyleth added.

"My uncle beat me up and I was taken in by Pike's grandfather who was also raising Pike because the rest of her family are con artists," Grog said.

Tary gasped in horror. It was just getting worse every time someone else opened their mouth! 

"My mother died in a mugging gone wrong," Scanlan said, as he and Pike entered the house abruptly. "Are we comparing trauma again? I thought that was only on Thursdays." 

"Tary's father disowned him for being gay," Vex said, leaning over to pat Taryon on the shoulder. 

"Oh, dick move," Scanlan said, as if that were somehow worse than all of the horrifying things they'd just told him about themselves.

Taryon half-shrugged. "I pretended to date Percy and seduce Vax for revenge when Percy "cheated" on me. To get back at him." 

"Oh man, have room for one more?" Scanlan demanded, laughing. "Ill-advised rebound hook up with a semi-washed up lounge singer? I love this kind of shit." 

"That's perfect, get in here," he said, taking a seat so he and Scanlan could take a sloppy selfie together, framing it so it was not immediately obvious they were in a kitchen.

Even as they were laughing and enjoying the silly story and how they could make it better, Taryon felt shame tugging at him. "I'm sorry I didn't tell all of you sooner, I know it must negatively impact your stellar opinion of me that I was able to deceive you so easily," he said. 

"Not really. Honestly, I like you more now," Vax said. "And it wasn't really much of a deception." 

Grog had been curiously silent during this whole exchange, but Tary had initially chalked it up to him being distracted by getting five dollars from Vax. "I can't believe she even fell for that terrible story. I thought you were some great writer or some shit, and you can't even lie right?" 

"Well, it was spur of the moment," he defended, even though it was a perfectly good lie and a fantastic story. "Look. Just. Play along when they visit this weekend and then we can leave it all behind us. Right?" 

They clinked their glasses together in agreement. 


	7. Chapter 7

Mariya and Maryanne came to visit and their first act was to invite the whole house out to dinner. Percy and Vex made a show of not coming: their pretend frosty-awkwardness was an award winning caliber of acting. Pike was babysitting Scanlan's daughter, so it turned out to be Tary and his family, and Grog, Keyleth and Vax.

Vax had really leaned in to the failed hookup angle. He struggled to not seem like a couple with Keyleth, but they weren't all that physically affectionate anyway, so the occasional arm touch passed unnoticed. Tary and Vax had agreed that Taryon looking like the kind of guy who would sleep with someone in a relationship wouldn't benefit the story. Some heroes could be morally grey, but not Taryon Darrington. Not in a lie he was primarily telling his little sister and mom.

Grog was oddly surly about the whole experience. He probably thought it was stupid, and Pike had expressed that he wasn't always fond of lying.

"So...Vax'ildan, what do you do?" Mariya asked in a slightly prim tone. 

"Well, I have an internship, and I graduate in the spring."

"Oh delightful, what are you studying?"

"Mortuary sciences."

Mariya's sincere curiosity disappeared almost immediately. She had never been a huge fan of the morbid, but Maryanne was immediately keen on it.

"That's so weird. Are you like... a serial killer?"

"Absolutely," he joked. Keyleth swatted him on the arm and he shook his head.

Maryanne narrowed her eyes.

"And you, Greg?"

"Grog," Tary corrected, even though Greg was glaring at him and had only come to dinner because the food was free. Why should he be considerate about his name when he was being a jerk? 

"Grog. I'm so sorry."

Grog shrugged. "I'm a personal trainer. I also coach girl's softball."

"I didn't know that," Tary declared. Twice a week they worked out together, and Grog still barely told him anything about himself. This was a travesty. "Maryanne plays softball as well."

"Yeah, I coach my friend's daughter's league. Off season right now so I have free time. Won a championship last year." He stopped talking and focused on his rack of ribs,uncharacteristically sheepish about bragging on his own accomplishments. 

"Well that's just fantastic. You seem well suited to such an athletic life."

Grog raised an eyebrow at Mariya and then back at Tary, who shrugged. He didn't know if that was meant to be complimentary or not. As Vax got up to use the restroom, he ran his hand across Tary's shoulder. He shivered at the contact. Maybe he was a little, tiny bit touch starved. He didn't even like Vax like that -- mostly because thinking about sleeping with someone who is identical to your best friend is strange -- but...it had been a while, all right. And he'd only ever been with Lawrence in the first place.

Grog rolled his eyes and went back to talking to Maryanne, who challenged him to an arm wrestling contest.

"I've only been bested once, by my one true love," Grog said. "Trish the dish."

She slapped her hand into his and got ready. She was very confident about arm-wrestling someone three times her size. "Your girlfriend?"

"No, I'm not her type. I just admire her from afar," he said. Even going easy against Maryanne he won handily. "She coaches our rival team."

"I can't see how you wouldn't be any woman's type," Mariya said, generously. Tary didn't agree, but he knew his mother was just trying to be nice.

Grog laughed and nodded. "I know, right." 

After dinner, Maryanne caught up with Tary, leaving Mariya behind to get wrapped up in conversation with Keyleth. "You know, I was sure you were full of shit, then I assumed they only did it because of your money," she said. "Then I thought even the big dumb one had a thing for you, but he clearly steers in the other direction. But they  _ actually _ like you."

"Grog doesn't have a th-- Maryanne, you know you can like all genders at the same time right? You don't just pick  _ one _ . You're 17, you should know this." Not that he thought Grog did. There was no indication that he wasn't straight, at least, on the outside. 

"Oh, so you don't turn men to heterosexuality with your ridiculous presence?" Maryanne frowned. She was messing with him, of course. 

"That is not how that works." At least, he hoped so. "They like me for  _ me _ , not my money. They're real friends. A real family."

She rolled her eyes and caught up with Mother, leaving Tary to contemplate what she had said. He looked over to where Grog impatiently waited for them to stop talking and leave and their eyes met. Grog scoffed and looked away.

  
  


Exams started two weeks after Maryanne's visit. Suddenly, Taryon was awash in finals and papers and didn't have time to contemplate their fiction. His mother had asked after Vax a few times and he had slipped in that he and Keyleth were together now so that she'd stop. When Winter Holiday rolled around, he was happy for the rest, but tragically disappointed that Vex, Percy, Vax, and Keyleth would all be gone for two weeks of their four week break.

Vex and Percy were going to Whitestone to spend Winter's Crest with Percy's little sister. They had invited him, and he'd heard the skiing was wonderful in Whitestone, but he was low on funds and chose to stay home. Vax and Keyleth were celebrating Keyleth's graduation by visiting her father in Zephra. 

Pike and Grog were staying, at least. Their grandfather was going on a single's cruise, so they wouldn't be visiting Westruun. Pike worked most of the time and stayed at Scanlan's a lot, so she was barely there.

That just left Tary and Jumbo, who had been fluctuating between ignoring Tary and, in their gym sessions, being a dick to him. 

"I thought you'd duck!" he said, holding an ice pack to Tary's nose, guilt written all over his face. Taryon had gotten occupied with taking gym selfies and Grog, frustrated at his inattention, had chucked a medicine ball at him. 

"I thought I would too. I froze! You threw it so  _ hard _ ," he said, a tampon stuffed in one nostril. He was laying on the couch in the common room, trying not to get blood on Vex's beloved secondhand throw pillows. 

"Maybe I was a little aggressive," he admitted.

"You have been  _ very  _ aggressive lately."

"Well, I just." Grog paused, frustrated by a seeming inability to form the words he wanted to form. "Why didn't you wanna fake-date me?" he demanded.

Tary blinked. "What?" 

"You fake dated Percy and fake banged Vax and even Scanlan. You don't even hang out with Scanlan," he blurted out. He had clearly been sitting on this question for weeks, and Tary was struck by the sincere ridiculousness of it. 

"Do you  _ want _ to date me?" he asked. "Fake date me?" he corrected quickly. "You're not really my type…" 

Grog dropped the ice pack. " _ No _ . That's stupid, Tary. I wanted to be  _ thought  _ of. In your fake dating stupid thing. Also, I'm everyone's type." 

"Oh. Well, I didn't...I thought you hated me," he said. "And, no offense, my large friend, but you're  _ not  _ a good liar." 

"I am too," he said. "I'd be the best fake boyfriend you'd ever have." 

Taryon thought of exactly how appalled Howaardt would be at the sight of Grog. He had visible cigarette burn scars on his arms, in between gaudy black tattoos and shaved head. It was a mental image worth holding onto for a little while, he thought. 

"All right. We're gonna have to come up with a good story, though, Jumbo. A  _ really _ good story. Are you in?" 

Grog paused. "Hell yeah." 


	8. Chapter 8

They had agreed to wait until Tary's black eyes faded before they really got into their story. The implications would not track well, plus with everyone gone on holiday, it wasn't nearly as fun. 

"I look  _ battered _ ," he complained, blending some of Vex's foundation against the yellowing bruises. 

"I don't wanna be that kind of fake boyfriend," Grog said. "But they make you look cool. Just tell people you won a fight!" 

"But I  _ didn't _ ." 

It was obvious he felt guilty about hitting Tary with the ball, and Vex had yelled at him for five minutes over video-call when she'd seen Tary's face, so he'd been going out of his way to be nicer in their last few days of isolation together. 

He hadn't quite decided what the story would be. Did he just start littering his social media with a little more Grog content and hope Maryanne got the hint, like she had mistakenly done with Percy? Did they stage something more dramatic? 

"I rescue you from getting hit by a car and you fall deeply in love with me," Grog suggested, trying and failing to show Taryon how to play some sort of first person shooter game. He and Pike were very good at it, and Taryon was very not.

"Maybe I taught you how to read and you fell in love with me," Taryon joked back. 

"I  _ know  _ how to read," Grog said, unconvincingly. 

"Well, all right." 

"Why don't you just admit you like each other and date?" Pike said. 

"That's such a boring story," Tary complained, throwing his control onto the pillow next to him. 

Pike tutted. "Okay. So, you spent two months bickering and pushing against each other and the tension just built up until you couldn't contain yourself and you had a night of passion that revealed your true feelings of admiration for each other." 

"See, now you get it, Pikey," Grog said. "That's not bad." 

Taryon wasn't sure, and he didn't like the knowing look that Pike was giving him, so he got up to heat up a slice of leftover pizza. Sitting on the counter, waiting on the microwave, he looked down at his phone to see a truly rare sight. A text from Howaardt. 

_ We'll be having dinner tomorrow night. Just the two of us. _

He was meant to get dinner with Vex that night, to celebrate her return from Whitestone, but Howaardt would not understand that. 

He responded:  _ All right.  _

Then he slipped off the counter and threw up into the trash can. 

"Tary, are you okay?" Pike asked, alarmed. "I told you that pizza was too old to eat."

"My dad is coming to visit tomorrow," he said, miserable. He wiped his eyes and then his mouth, turning to wash his hands, smeared with the stolen cover-up.

"Well, we can do our fake thing, then," Grog declared. "It'll be fun." He seemed mildly perturbed by Tary's anxiety but truly he seemed mildly perturbed by everything.

"I'm not ready! I haven't even gotten the story right! This wasn't supposed to happen  _ now _ !" 

"Well you don't have to lie to your father about your love life, you could just let it go," Pike said reasonably.

Taryon knew she was right, but he also knew he was going to get yelled at for what he'd already done, and why not just lean into it?

"Is he really that bad, Tary?" Grog asked. "You don't have to go anywhere with him. If he is." He cracked his knuckles menacingly. 

"No, no. I just get nervous," he said. 

He  _ was  _ fairly terrible, but there was no use in starting a fight.

"We don't have to be fake boyfriends yet," he said. "There's plenty of time."

Taryon nodded. "I don't know why he would even be in town," he said. "Hopefully nothing happened to Nana."

Pike patted him on the shoulder. "I'm sure Nana is fine." 

Not much in the mood to play video games any longer, Taryon went upstairs to his room and dictated a few thoughts to Doty so that he could fall asleep. Maybe he'd sleep through the whole ordeal.

He did not sleep through the whole ordeal. His father texted the name of a restaurant that he would meet Tary at and what time their reservation was for that morning and it woke him up and sent his stomach gurgling anew.

He didn't vomit this time, but his cereal didn't taste as good as he wished it did. 

"Grog, even though we can't be a fake couple yet, would you give me a ride to the restaurant tonight?" 

"Oh, sure. Are those fancy places your dad likes to go even gonna let my truck into the parking lot?" he asked, chugging his protein shake. 

"Just tell them it's vintage," he said. "You're not going to make me work out today, are you?" He was truly dreading the idea of doing anything at all today. 

"If you don't want to you don't have to," he said, which was not at all something Grog would normally say. He wondered if Pike had gotten in his ear. 

"Well, I do not want to. I'm going to go read a book and wait for this inevitable disappointment of a dinner." 

And he did just that. He locked himself in his room and read. Once or twice he heard heavy footfall pause outside of his door, but Grog didn't knock or ask to come in, so he stayed quiet and kept reading.

After his shower, he tried to do something with his hair but it felt flat and limp and terrible no matter what he did. His whole existence was wilting.

"You ready?" Grog asked, his voice flat and short. Flatter and shorter than usual. 

Great, he was disappointing two terrifying men today instead of just one.

He slapped a fake smile on and nodded. "Let's go." 

Grog turned up the music so loud that they couldn't really talk on the ride over to the restaurant. He was fine with the lack of conversation. He preferred a nervous ramble to silence, but even he could take the hint he was being given.

They parked and he could see Howaardt leaning on the side of his car, watching them pull up. Waiting. Being scary.

"He doesn't look that scary," Grog muttered. "I could take him."

"Physically? Yes. Financially, you'd never recover." He unbuckled his seatbelt and took a deep breath. "Thanks for the ride."

"No problem." Grog stared past Tary, over his shoulder, directly at Howaardt. Tary started to open the door, but Grog grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled him in.

And kissed him square on the mouth. 

Tary tried not to yelp. He didn't even have time to respond before it was over. Frozen to his seat, Grog pulled back, looking smug, and petting Tary's hair. "Have fun at dinner. Text me when you need an escape."

He got out of the truck, trying not to look weak in the knees when he approached his father.

"Son."

"Papa." 

They walked inside and despite the Friday night crowd, they were seated promptly.

"Who, dare I ask, was that?" he asked in a haughty voice, his default mode of speaking.

"My friend Grog," he said. 

"Your  _ friend _ ?"

"My friend," he repeated with a nod.

"The way the white haired boy was a friend?"

"Is that what we're here to talk about?" he asked, trying to sound stern through a mouthful of bread and herb butter.

"I was going to offer to allow you to transfer back to Deastock after the conclusion of this academic year. It's time for you to learn the business. Closer to home."

_ Where you can be monitored. _

"I'm actually enjoying Emon. I think I'd rather stay," he said. 

"Because of ...Grog, did you say his name was?"

"Not because of that. Because of my friends, and my courses. And because I don't want you to control my life."

Howaardt looked taken aback. "Well maybe you should get a job," he said. "If you don't want me to have any say over your life, I don't think I should have any involvement in your financial standing, either." 

Tary considered it. "If that's how you feel." 

"Are you wearing foundation, Taryon?"

"Aren't I usually?"

His father sighed. He had never approved of men wearing makeup, but Taryon appreciated how flawless his complexion was when he decided to make the effort. 

He ate his sea bass in silence, letting Howaardt glare at him for the whole meal, making a show of texting Grog right there at the table, the height of rudeness in Howaardt's eyes. 

"How did it go?" Grog asked innocently, as if he hadn't kissed him two hours prior. Tary almost wanted to kiss him again, but just because Howaardt was staring at them through his car window. Of course. Just because of that.

He settled on a cheek kiss. A greeting. A normal couple thing.

"He wants me back in Deastock. I said no. That was about it."

Touching the place Taryon had just kissed, Grog nodded. "So you're not mad about earlier, right? I thought it'd be a better lie if it didn't look like you were expecting it."

"No. I mean, your breath is terrible, but I'm not  _ mad  _ about it, I just pity your dentist."

"Jokes on you, I don't have a dentist."

"That explains it."


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> both shitty reality tv programs described are real things you can watch on netflix, which is just....absurd. anyway. also tary/vex/percy three way spooning is the way of the future, past, and present.

Tary couldn't stop thinking about the kiss. 

He was pathetic. One fake kiss and suddenly he was swooning? Over someone who would never like him like that? Over someone he wasn't sure he even liked like that?

He was just  _ lonely _ . He was a single person in a house filled with horny demons and it was rubbing off on him. The next night, he peaked out of his window and saw the light in Percy's shed on. He was going to be out there all evening, which meant… 

He got up and padded down the stairs, pushing Vex's door open to see her on her bed, watching something on her laptop. 

"What's up?" she asked, shifting her tank top as she sat up. Trinket looked up and, upon seeing Tary and not Percy, went back to sleep. 

"If you're going to bed I can leave, I just wanted some company," he said. 

"No, come on," she said, scooting over and opening up her arms. He laid down next to her and turned his attention to the screen. 

"Are you watching that terrible reality show where a bunch of horny attractive people live in a house together and aren't allowed to touch?" he asked.

"Yeah. Percy didn't want to watch with me, but…" 

"We have to watch every episode," he agreed, reaching over and taking a bite out of the cookie she'd left on her bedside table. "For science."

"For science," she agreed. "Grog said your dad was in town yesterday," she added while White Girl #6 cried about not being able to touch White Boy #8's junk. 

"Oh. He told you that?" 

"Is he pretending to be your boyfriend now, too? I thought we were done with that," she said. "It's funny but if you're going to get hurt, it's not worth it," she added in a stern tone. 

"He is...and I'm going to be fine, Vex'ahlia. Don't worry. It's just a laugh. We'll fake a funny breakup." 

He was sure that his father had set his sister to the task of finding out more about Grog, and she'd probably found all of his ridiculous shirtless workout videos, and no mention of Tary anywhere. She likely suspected he was lying, but she always suspected that of him, so that didn't really indicate he wasn't doing a good job at it.

Vex hummed and took the remaining half of the cookie out of his hands. "I can't believe she wants to get kicked out of the house for that guy. He's not even cute!"

His perfect in. "Ah, so, speaking of not cute," he said. "Grog kissed me."

Vex seemed to short-circuit for a moment, blinking at him when he rolled over to look at her. Trinket whined. "What."

"He gave me a ride to dinner with my father and kissed me. To mess with him."

"Oh. I thought you meant like...for real," she said with a relieved sigh. "Wait.  _ Was  _ it for real?"

"No," he said unconvincingly scoffing. "Psh. No. Definitely not. Grog is  _ not  _ for me. Psh. For real? No. Psh." 

Vex smiled knowingly, but didn't call him out. Bless her. "Pissed off your dad, yeah?"

"Yeah. I think he might have cut me off."

"What are you gonna do for money, then, darling?" 

"I hadn't figured that part out yet." 

"We'll look for jobs in the morning. You're paid up through next month. Your semester is paid?"

"Yes. Next year won't be, though." He swallowed at the prospect. "You're a financial wizard, right? You can help me?"

Vex wrapped her arms around him tighter. "Of course, darling."

They let the trashy reality television show lull them to sleep, Taryon deeply enjoyed being the little spoon, even when the bed got cramped by Percy gently shoving his way in behind Vex. 

"Were you and Vex watching that terrible show where they can't see each other and pretend to fall in love?" Percy asked sleepily.

"It's the new one where they can't touch," he countered.

"Why are you in here this time?"

"He's having a crisis because his dad cut him off and Grog kissed him," Vex answered.

"Oh, well good night," Percy said, unbothered.

Keyleth woke before everyone, as she usually did, and had breakfast laid out when they got up the next morning. She wasn't the least bit put off by Tary sleeping in Vex's room, it was something of a habit at this point. Sleeping alone was a drag. Sleeping with his very best friends was nice. 

Eggs and bacon and toast was nice, too. 

"So, I need to find a job," he announced to the gathered Vox Machina. "My father will...uh...not be allowing my mother to continue funding me." 

"Oh, no, is this because I kissed you?" Grog asked. The entire table turned to stare, and Tary hid his face in his hands. 

"No, it's because I don't want to move back to Deastock," he said. "He only kissed me to trick my father, before anyone asks," he said, holding out his hand to stop Vax from asking the obvious. 

"Well, I think the theater department is hiring," Keyleth said. "They usually have someone who builds sets and costumes and stuff." 

"The bookstore usually hires at the beginning of a new semester, as well," Percy said. 

Well, Tary did love books and building things. 

Grog still looked concerned after breakfast, walking over to Tary with a frown on his face. "You're sure I didn't make your dad cut you off?" he asked.

"I'm sure," he said. "He would have no matter what, unless I'd agreed to come home. But I like being with my friends, so. It's worth it." He wasn't convinced of that part, really, but that wasn't anyone's problem but his own. "I'll just get a job or two and make a living like an average, normal person." 

"I don't think anyone could ever mistake you for normal." 

"Well, then we have something in common," he said, rolling his eyes. 

"That's why we're such a good pretend couple," Grog added in agreement. "Unless you want to break up." 

"We need to give it some time first. I don't know if I'll ever see my family again, but just in case… We can at least let them squirm for a little while." 

"You got it."

They shook on it, and Taryon went about getting Doty to help him write a resume. 


	10. Chapter 10

Taryon found not one, not two, but  _ three  _ jobs by the beginning of the semester. To say he was bogged down would be something of an understatement. On the weekends, in the morning, he worked at a small bakery down the road, learning the ins and outs of baking, which he found an aptitude for. Baking was very scientific, especially compared to cooking. 

So he paid some of his utilities in day old donuts, what of it? 

During the week, he spent the days after class in the bookstore, mostly pretending to operate a cash register, now that the beginning of the semester rush was over. Then at the end of the week, in the evenings, he spent time building props and sewing costumes for the theater department's shows and classes. 

None of them paid especially well. He honestly had no idea how people lived off the type of money he was making. 

"They don't," Vex said bluntly when he squinted at his first paycheck. 

"This amount shouldn't even be  _ legal _ ," he bemoaned. 

"Oh dear, we've radicalized him," Percy deadpanned. 

He would have enough, between all three jobs, to make rent. Then when summer came around, he could work even more and maybe have a little extra left over to eat with. 

Or he could go back to Deastock…

His mind drifted there, from time to time, and he tried to shake it off. He didn't want to go home. Being comfortable at the expense of being himself? It sounded dreadful, now that he'd had time to actually be himself. His mother had checked in a few times, so he didn't think he was fully disowned, just a little more cut off than he had been before. 

He was so busy that he hadn't really had time to respond to his sister's curious inquiries into his love life. She knew about Grog, and there had been a few passing gym selfies (because on top of everything else, he still had to do  _ that _ , apparently. Grog yelled something about discipline at him every time he tried to weasel out of it) and vague tweets to keep her sustained, but he was pretending to have a modicum of discretion, when in reality he was just too busy for a fake relationship, and so was Grog, because he was coaching Kaylie's softball team. 

Spring was blooming on campus, he noted miserably from the window of the bookstore, half an hour left in his shift. He wanted to be outside and not at work. Soon he would be, but he had so much homework that it barely seemed worth it. 

Leaving the bookstore and making the short walk back to the house, he noticed a text from his Mother. 

_ You will be visiting for your birthday, at least, right? _

He'd forgotten about his birthday entirely.  _ May I bring my friends?  _

_ Of course!  _

_ I'll let you know.  _

"My birthday is in a few weeks," he told Vex, sitting in the backyard, failing to write an analytical essay as Trinket played fetch. "Mother wants me to come home, and I thought I'd see if you all would like to join me." 

"I don't think I have any plans for break," she said. She looked over where Percy was sitting in front of his shed poking a microwave he'd found on the side of the road. "Darling, do we have any plans for break?" 

"I don't believe so." 

"Vax'ildan, do you and Kiki have any plans for break?" she shouted into the window. 

"Nope!"

"We're going to Deastock to see Tary's family for his birthday!" she shouted back. 

"All right." 

"We're going to Deastock?" Grog asked as he and Pike walked out, clearly fresh from the gym judging by the smell radiating off of both of them. "For break?" 

"If you can get off work."

"Oh, no, I wouldn't miss it. I wanna see how this happened," he said, gesturing to Tary. 

Taryon laughed. "Pike, will you be able to --"

"I really shouldn't leave Scanlan and Kaylie to their own devices," she said. "But I can probably come up for a few days. It's my off-week," she said. Tary was still learning how Pike's job as an EMT worked, but from what he gathered, she worked five days and then had five days off, and then worked five days again.

"Scanlan is  _ raising  _ her, he can be left with her for a few days," Vax pointed out, sticking his head out through the open window.

"You're right. But I feel like they'll burn the apartment down out of spite sometimes." 

"That's a Shorthalt for you," Vax said, climbing out of the house. "So we're going to Deastock?" 

Taryon was heartened by his friends willingness to come with him. "Yes. My mother wants me there for my birthday. I'm sure it's another ploy to convince me to come home, but I thought we could at least dine on their dime for a few days," he said. "And maybe torment my father a little." 

"All right, I'll kiss you, but I won't like it," Grog said with an air of begrudging that was a little uncalled for, since Tary hadn't asked to kiss him  _ anyway _ .

"Excuse me? I'm the one being inconvenienced by the stale beer flavor that radiates off of you," Tary shot back, clutching a hand to his chest in a dramatic fashion. 

"You know, you don't  _ have _ to kiss," Vex pointed out. 

"Well, they're never going to believe we're dating if we don't," Grog said.

"What if you broke up?" 

"And not get a free vacation? Vex, I thought you were the smart one!"

Taryon composed himself after a moment, giving into the absurdity that he'd caused himself. He texted his mother an affirmation that he and his friends would be visiting during the break, and that he was so excited to see her. Just her, though. 

Not that he wasn't a little excited to see the look on Howaardt's face when they arrived at the house. His sideburns were likely to burn off from the sheer heat of his rage. 


	11. Chapter 11

"Eugh! Can't you do that in your room?" Vex shouted in disgust as she walked into the common room to find Tary and Grog trying to set up one of their photoshoots. Which involved, on this particular day, the two of them making out.

It had been his idea. Out of pragmatism, not a desire to be kissed, regardless of who was doing the kissing. There was a solid chance of one of the Darringtons going through Taryon's phone, and if there were no pictures of his 'boyfriend' in there, it would look suspect. So they'd taken to staging couple selfies. The trashy kind you wouldn't post on social media, but would just keep for yourself.

Taryon came up for air, satisfied with their progress. "Doty, change the embedded data on those to…" He'd also written a program for Doty to change the metadata of the photos so they didn't seem like they'd been taken in the past three days, in case anyone bothered to go that far to check the validity. "Vex it's impolite to watch people kissing."

"It's impolite for you to defile my throw pillows!" 

"We're not naked," Grog said, gently shoving Tary off of his lap. For all his enthusiasm for joining in on the prank against Howaardt, he was definitely a little awkward with the deception, and Taryon had taken to springing affection on him at random moments to desensitize him.

Grog had taken to doing the same in revenge. So they spent two weeks just randomly hugging and jumping on each other at any given moment, to the irritation of their housemates. 

"Why are you doing this again? Don't you think this is going too far?" she asked, opening a cup of yogurt. 

"We need a believable paper trail," he said. "Howaardt knows something is going on so, we need to  _ commit _ ." 

"And if Tary yells like a dying llama every time I touch him, no one will buy it," Grog said in agreement, dragging Taryon in by the shoulder for a noogie. 

Tary yelped, not unlike a dying llama. "Not the hair!"

"Yes, but that doesn't mean you actually need to kiss and hold hands in public," Vex pointed out. "At that point you're just dating for real, you know?"

Grog rolled his eyes. "It's  _ acting _ , Vex. We're  _ method actors _ . Like that one guy from that one movie."

"Very method," Tary agreed, trying to match Grog's scoff. He wasn't sure what movie Grog meant. He didn't know Grog even watched movies. Did they watch the same movies? Probably not. 

Grog waved a hand. "Besides, you gotta like each other to date."

"I don't know about that," she said. "Remember Saundor?" 

"Well that guy was fuckin' crazy, that's different," Grog said. "We're just having a laugh. We already have the best plan for the trip. Tell her, Tary." 

Tary had drifted off, his mind wandering back to the kissing. He'd thought about it a lot in the wake of Howaardt's visit, but had chalked it up to pathetic loneliness. This was more of the same, but the truth was that despite the beard, which Tary didn't usually go for, and the...well, the Grog of it all, he was a good kisser, and the fact that he'd agreed to fake kissy selfies was nice and made him feel weird. It was all in service of pissing off his dad, that was it. 

"Tary!"

"Sorry. I zoned out. What were we talking about?"

"Our plan for the trip," Grog said, impatient. "I'll just tell her. We're gonna break up. At the end of the vacation. Like in those soap operas you told me not to tell anyone you watch," he said. "Theatrical."

Vex hid her face in her hands. "You two...are ridiculous."

"It's gonna be  _ hilarious _ ," he said.

"And my parents will be so mortified they'll never ask me about my personal life again," Tary said. 

"This is gonna backfire, and someone's feelings are gonna get hurt," Vex said, as if she knew so much. She didn't know anything! That wasn't true, she was very smart and Taryon loved her, but in this instance, she was so wrong. No one could get hurt if no one was invested. "And I'm not going to brush your hair and let you cry all over me when it blows up in your face." 

"Grog doesn't have hair, would you be brushing his beard?" Tary joked. 

She finally, begrudgingly, smiled. "Don't say I didn't warn you."

  
  


They left early the next morning for Deastock. Taryon rode with Pike and Grog, the twins and their beaus piling into Vex's station wagon. Trinket was left in the care of a woman named Kima who Taryon hadn't met but had heard about. She was another trainer at Grog's gym and totally terrifying, in the way only a middle aged lesbian who taught a rock climbing class could be.

It was a long drive, and he took great care to document idyllic looking stretches on video, he and Pike enjoying dog-eared filters and poking at Grog, who was intently focused on the road. 

When he leaned over Grog to punch in the gate-code, he was very aware that they were just...too close together. Now, that was a strange thought to have someone you've made out with, but despite that, they were still awkward. Hopefully everyone in the house would attribute that to meet-the-family anxiety. 

He saw Vex pull in behind them as the gate opened. He looked up at the house -- larger and more unwelcoming than he'd remembered -- with a little apprehension. 

"Wow, Tary, this is swanky," Grog said appreciatively. "I didn't realize you were like, rich-rich." 

"As opposed to?" 

"Just normal rich, I suppose," he said.

"What does your family  _ do _ ?" Pike asked.

"Oh. Commercial real estate, mostly," he said nervously. He'd never mentioned that to them before, mostly because saying that your dad was a landlord was never really... Well, people didn't dig landlords, for pretty justifiable reasons. 

"Oh. How fun for you," Pike said politely. 

"Not really." He chuckled nervously as they parked and stepped out, walking up the last stretch of the driveway, converging with the other four as the door opened and Maryanne stepped out to greet them, Howaardt and Mariya behind her. 

"About time you showed up," she said. She looked more tired than usual, and she wasn't her typical self. Tary didn't know what was up. Maybe she'd gotten dumped. As if anyone would date her.

"Nice to see you too. You met Keyleth, Vax and Grog," he said, looping his arm through Grog's elbow and dragging him along with him. "This is Grog's sister Pike, Vax's sister Vex, and Percival Fredrickstein von Mussel Klossowski de Rolo III." 

Maryanne eyed them all shrewdly. Of course she knew them, since she stalked Tary on social media constantly. "You brought your ex to your birthday celebration?" she asked, quieter, as he passed her to go inside. 

_ Oh. Shit.  _

He'd entirely forgotten. 

"Hmmm."

Maryanne looked almost gleeful. 

"We let bygones be bygones," he said, completely unconvincing, as his brain scrambled to re-calibrate to a new plan. 


	12. Chapter 12

"I've fucked it all up," he announced to the guest room as soon as the group had been left alone. Howaardt hadn't said much, only scowled. He was sure he was in for it at dinner.

"You're supposed to be my ex," he said, gesturing to Percy. "And I brought you to my birthday party."

"I mean we broke up  _ months  _ ago," Percy said dryly.

"Maybe you just don't call attention to it and try and let the lie die a dignified death," Vex said, a little smug at how wrong it was all going.

"I've got it. I didn't want to invite you and you overheard and invited yourselves!" Tary said, snapping his fingers aggressively.

"Darling I have to protest."

"Somehow these lies keep making us look worse and worse," Percy said in agreement. "Either you say nothing or offer some contrivance about us becoming friends again. I don't feel we'll have much fun on this trip if we're playing the villain."

"Well, I don't know, it sounds a  _ bit _ fun," Vex said, reigniting a glimmer of hope within Tary. "But Percy's right. Just leave it be."

Taryon knew they were right, as much as he hated to admit it. "I suppose. Let's hope she doesn't ask too many questions."

"She can ask me all the questions she wants. I'm ready," Grog declared.

"Really?" he asked. "How long have we been dating?"

"Psh. Two we -- months," he said, switching gears at the skeptical look on Tary's face.

"What's my middle name?"

"Barry."

"Gary."

"That's worse. Change it to Barry."

"I'll get on that immediately." 

"Also I'd like to point out that you brought six guests and they provided two beds. Very new money of them," Percy deadpanned. 

"We're not exactly...uh...guest…types. I'm sure they're just trying to be passive aggressive." Tary was a little embarrassed by his parents' coldness. He had never really had friends, so it had been so easy to disregard it before. It had never come up. Now...they'd allowed him to invite his friends, but they'd never really welcome them.

"I hope you can make due with the arrangements," he added apologetically.

"Me and Pike have slept on plenty of floors, it's no big deal," Grog said, clapping him on the shoulder. 

Father had evening meetings, so Tary took Vox Machina out to a restaurant in town and they ate together removed from the dour strain of the Darrington household.

They had fun. It was a lively little restaurant with mediocre nachos, but the margaritas were strong, and they stumbled back into the Darrington manor late. Everyone was asleep.

"Shhhhh," he slurred, convinced he was the peak of stealth. (Truly, far too loud.)

Everyone diverged to go to their rooms and Taryon collapsed in bed, only halfway out of his pants.

The door creaked open and he didn't look up from where his face was in the pillow. "It's not morning yet Maryanne, leave me a-" he started before someone marginally buffer than Maryanne slid him over and tossed the covers over both of them. 

He curled up into a warm side, drunkenly happy to be cuddled, and thought nothing else of it.

"It's time for breakfast, Taryon --" 

The door threw a harsh spray of light over Tary's face and he immediately hid behind the nearest solid surface.

"-- my mistake."

Tary opened his eyes slowly, his head pounding. Grog was awake, but unmoving.

"You're drooling on me Tary," he groused. 

"What are you doing in here?" he asked, trying to extract himself from where he'd snuggled into Grog in the night.

"I thought it'd be more convincing. Not enough floor space for me in Vax's room anyway. You didn't seem to mind."

It  _ had _ been warm. "It wasn't bad. Was that --"

"Your mom? Yeah."

"Well. Let's go get breakfast." Rolling out of bed, he tried to fix his hair before putting on last night's pants. Then he turned and finally noticed… "are you naked?"

"This is how I sleep."

"Did my mother see -"

" _Definitely_."

His poor mother. They'd never be able to make eye contact again. Now she thought her precious baby boy was getting railed by this comically huge man. Oh man. Well, hadn't that been the whole point? 

The air at the breakfast table was thick with tension. Mariya was staring into her yogurt parfait, doggedly avoiding eye contact with all of them. Grog was smirking, self-satisfied, over a pile of bacon. Maryanne was watching Tary's every move as he tried to maintain some kind of neutrality. 

"Any plans for the day?"

"We're going on a hike," Taryon said. That particular activity had been Keyleth's suggestion, and she had seemed so excited at the process that he couldn't deny her, even though hikes were the opposite of things he liked to do, usually. 

"All of you?" she prodded. 

"Yes. All of us." 

"It's so charming of you to spend time with the man who cheated on you and the woman he cheated with. Very generous." 

Taryon took a deep breath and tried to stay calm. The smug 'gotcha' look on her face. The choked indignity of his mother and labored breathing of his dad did not help. 

He couldn't take it anymore. "Okay, fine, Maryanne. I lied." "All right fine. I lied. I never dated Percy." He took a breath as his friends and family alike gaped at him. Percy was trying to calculate his next move while Maryanne broke into a gloating smirk.

"Oh I knew it! I knew you were just lying to piss off Father --"

"I wasn't lying to piss off anyone!" he sniffed. "I was lying to protect Grog!" 

Maryanne froze and Grog looked baffled, but luckily to someone who didn't know Grog, that seemed like a mostly default expression. "I -- what?"

"I knew you'd find out I was dating someone and I knew you would hate him," he said. "So I pretended to date someone you might have found acceptable if you weren't so...terrible," he said. "Maybe I thought you'd just never have to meet any of them and it wouldn't matter. Or maybe I thought you'd be desensitized to the fact that I'm gay and you'd end up coming around. It was wrong of me to lie, and didn't accomplish anything good, but it's out there now and you just have to deal with it."

Maryanne's eyes were narrowed and she clearly didn't believe him at all, but she wasn't going to speak out. "That's a strange thing to lie about, brother."

"Yes well, it seemed more believable than playing straight." 

"I take it you never slept with Vax'ildan either?" Maryanne asked in a droll voice.

"Oh no, that definitely happened," Vax said, smirking. "It was a dark night for us both."

Having his friends nod in affirmation of his stupid lie made him nearly cry. Instead he stood up. "We're going on our hike now."


End file.
